I read a man’s sentiments somewhere on social media, that went something like, “Nikikumbuka sina hata kuku ocha, nakaanga mbali sana na wanawake”.

Guys laughed about it but it actually made a lot of sense. A lot of men in the city especially, are dressed well, maybe driving and living in decent neighbourhoods.

There’s nothing wrong with living in comfort. It is mostly, honestly earned and well deserved. However, the outward appearance of a man might suggest the man has all his ducks in a row, and to a city girl looking to be hitched to a stable situation, this is the type of men that get her immediate attention.

I once worked at a garage on Shimo La Tewa Road, Industrial area in Nairobi. My former bosses ran a business that dealt with mostly German machines as they had just broken from an employer who is big on the same kind of business.

I worked as a personal assistant to one of the directors and a secretary to the company. I received clients, opened job cards for the vehicles that needed service or repairs, kept records for reference for return clients, sourced for car parts including sending money to Dubai for the same, following up on payments from different clients, among other duties that the “Kibarua” threw my way.

All this was done while I attended evening classes at the School of Journalism, University of Nairobi. I was such a positively busy girl! In my line of duty, I saw all the dreamy cars and met all types of men, handled cash that literally excited me, yet I kept a reasonable head on my shoulders.

Of course some these men would notice me, some would bring me meals, leaving tips for me and keeping me company in the office as they waited for their vehicles to be sorted. I must say, I was was younger, more beautiful, less financially troubled, the right kind of skinny and I was flat-bellied with some appropriately sized seating allowance.

I was also very bright. In my interactions and conversations with the clients, I came to realise that some of these men that owned the big machines, talked big but always made my life hard when it came to paying their bills; some were rude, others lied about expected payment dates and others didn’t pay until
their vehicles needed new repairs, which meant months after the last visit.

Some of the men there were the drivers sent by the real owners but unless you took your time, you’d always think that they truly were the real owners of these machines. I must give it to their sense of dressing and the confidence in the way their communicated.

When I finally got interested in someone, it was not a client. It was someone I met at my late sister’s company end year dinner party. With “vibarua” one gets exposed to lots of grown-up social mixers, and this was no different.

It was happening at one of the biggest old hotels and this man, outside of that ugly maroon tie, was the perfect Clark Kent type for me and in my mind, I was definitely Lois Lane. We exchanged glances and finally he approached me on my way to the ladies and we exchanged contacts.

The next day we talked over the phone and that led to a date later in the week. In my books, this was it!

However, fast forward, the gentleman kept saying how I deserved better and he wasn’t planning on wasting my time. I never understood why until many years down the line when he, in a random conversation mentioned how he’d started building at home.

That seemed to make him more confident, like it defined his manliness. It completed him. A lot of men won’t speak up. They won’t tell you like it is. There’s nothing wrong with growing together with your life partner. Yet, a lot of men would rather have something that defines their manliness, something that gives their masculinity that extra pazazz, before they can approach a woman for something serious.

However, they say a man is a man, it’s a man’s world, etcetera. Only a few men would stay celibate until they’re ready to marry. A lot of men will run ‘situationships’, string women along, have babies and say they were tricked into fatherhood, start new ‘situationships’ every time they make more money and by the time they find the loves of their lives, they’re unhappy, irritable, broken and, or broke.

Most of the time, this love of their life is someone with a lot of money, very liquid but with questionable standards. The type that will be delusional enough to believe the man only talks to his babymamas because of the children.

The type that is willing to invest heavily financially in that relationship to prove a point, one who, without her money, her generosity, the man would still be searching for the love of his life.

Don’t get me wrong, the men are not always the perpetrators. Ladies can be extremely toxic and narcissistic as well. I say this because a lot of women don’t know how to lose gracefully. That a man is leaving you, even without saying it loudly and clearly except through actions, that you are not the one, you decide to give him a baby.

Your reasoning being, that if he didn’t want you, he wouldn’t have been with you for those 10 years, that he wouldn’t be exchanging DNA with you. No honey, as my very bright bulb of a friend Vinnie used to say, a man is as good as his options.

If you avail yourself even after he has ‘exed’ you, he will still do his deed. If he ever thinks of it, it’ll be regret post deed. So, may we learn to walk away from where our presence is not adding value or is unppreciated because postponed pain is pain in waiting.

Shoot your shot if you must, because you only live once, but denial means you’re yet to find your one.
Keep searching, but in the meantime, happiness is an inside job, look for money because even men don’t deserve broke, broken women!

Rosebella Kwamboka Ototo is a Radio Traffic Controller currently with Radio47, and a mother to a teenager and a toddler